Ok, now I'm learning patience.
19 days...or 6. depending on what you're counting to....future fun or impending old-ness.

I've decided to cut my hair after Suessical. Really short this time. Why? Well, #1 it's easier than long hair and time is of importance with the schedule I will be keeping this summer. #2 I haven't had really short hair since I was 8 and I want to try it again. #3 By the end of the summer it will be back to this length which is more versatile for auditions and such. So, why not?

I keep sneezing blue feathers.

I have alot of time to work out right now, so I am. But this summer I will have practically zero time. Thus all the work done now will be reversed. bah.

I still have no direction for August. Not even direction on how to get direction. waiting....

Apparently, I have more of an effect on people than I had previously believed. Not that I now see myself as having a huge impact on everyone I talk to. Nor did I see myself before as a tiny insignificant being with no influence.  It's just that I assume that if people don't let me know, then I have made no mark. I'm not looking for praise though either. Ok, prepare for complicatedness:
In relationships, I tend to look at the other person as a mirror. If they are giving, pushing me in a positive way, and..well, loving me, then (in my mind) they are letting me know how much I mean to them and that their life is different because I'm in it. Thus, my closest friendships are with people who change and challenge me constantly (and are open enough to show the difference I've made on them).
If I get nothing of the sort, I still love them, but don't feel as if I'm really making a difference.  I see myself as not important to their world and having little to no impact on their life. When I make new friends (or when friendships grow stale), I rarely feel like they need me as much as I need them. So, I put up a slight front that, while still Christ-like, is not very open. Apparently the Christ-like is more becoming and unusual than I realized and by being more Christ-like, I am more open than I meant to be. Please try to make sense of that sentence.
I realize that as a Christ follower I should not give with the expectancy of getting in return. And I do try. So, is it good that I rarely glimpse the difference I've made? Probably. I might develop a big head and think everyone I meet wants to spend every waking moment with me. ha! Thank you Lord for keeping my ego in check! But the couple encouragements I've received recently have certainly helped diminish the 'alone in the universe' complex I've developed in this season.

Hope that wasn't too complicated. It's hard to sort out that particular drawer.

I realize this is random nothings, so I will quit....luv~<><~

i struggle with forward motion

i get the feeling sometimes (more times than not-times) that the rest of the world is going full speed ahead while i am in a slow rewind.

i'm tired of complaining. tired of being debbie downer.

so, let's have a count-your-blessings game, shall we?

a roof over my head that i don't pay for
food in my mouth, again, not coming out of my pocket
cash in that pocket
fantastic job for the summer
32 days till i get to see the curly-headed piratess every day!!!!
presently, in theater, i'm the big fish in the little (tiny, insignificant) pond
i can run 2 miles without stopping...and i LIKE it! weird
chance to choreograph (even if it's just for one small part in a small-scale easter choir cantata)
loan will be completely covered by Aug. *happy wag* thus:
the world at my fingers in Aug....if only my fingers would point to a specific place in the world...that'd be helpful

ok, that still had some negatives in there. but it IS improvement.

perhaps i'm in this holding pattern to teach me not patience, but contentment...except that's not the word i want. if i could find one word that would sum up taking what God's handed me and joyfully going about His work, despite disappointments. that word. that's what i'm learning. very slowly. and sucking pretty bad at it. maybe this is the first step in the lesson? realizing what it is? 

also part of the problem: a total lack of direction. where will i go in August? what will i do? what does God want me to do? and why isn't He telling me?

and then i remember all those times (all times, with no not-times) when He took care of it and showed me where to follow. there were no doubts. when it was time for me to know, i knew. so, basically, i'm a stupid sheep. if it weren't for grace......

...i wouldn't be here. and THAT, my friends, is what we call heavenly irony.

..........luv~<><~

life as it's been handed to me

well, it's not my first choice, but it's quite interesting. what other possessor of a BM in Musical Theatre from OBU could say the following?

one day a week i 'clean' house for an elderly couple. they built the house and have lived there (and collected everything imaginable) for 50+ yrs. the dust is 1/4 inch thick, kids. and they have cleaning chemicals from '72. and i've heard the story of how the house was built, recieved city water instead of well-water, and was added onto 3 times now (i've been there 3 times). sometimes i feel like i'm just stirring the dirt. but their son said they love having me come and that he can already see a difference. so, i guess i'm doing a good job. and seeing dust peel off a bookshelf is terribly satisfying.

i'm helping an (altogether different) elderly couple finish their basement. this includes all manner of work: painting, sanding, caulking, using every kind of tool electric and non. stagecraft came in handy. [i should tell eric. he'd be so proud.] they talk my ear off too, but don't repeat, so I don't mind. I know all about horses now.

if i don't die of dust/fume inhalation, i'll come out of this a little richer...in more ways than one.

strange. never saw myself doing these things. little melody? wielding an electric sander and decked out in a face mask? and i certainly wouldn't choose to do them. but heck, it beats a desk job. and i'll know how to build my own house before this is done.(not a bad idea, considering i'm living in 1/4 of a 'finished' garage at the moment) makes me wonder what i'm learning all this for. what is He up to?

while my days are full of manual labor, most of my nights are full of community theatre. no money involved. and not always alot of talent. but it gives me a reason to stay in shape and keeps my brain from turning to mush, which is quite the possibility these days. i'll take anything to keep me busy till May.

the lonelies have set in. i fight them with books and facebook. the later is counter-productive as all i see is life going full speed, while i'm stuck in slow motion. the first can only distract so much. i'm a people person. never said otherwise. so why am i in a town where everyone my age is married with 3 kids already? seriously. again, what is He up to?

*looks in a general upwards direction and attempts to raise one paint-speckled eyebrow*

...........luv~<><~

I miss breathing chilly air mixed with pipe smoke and dew
I miss having an arm to crawl under
I miss the eyes that dropped the act for me

I miss sweating to the oldies
I miss having someone to make faces at across the room
I miss the head that used to hang over the top bunk

I miss plopping down on 'my' couch to watch whatever
I miss having no one but myself to clean up after
I miss the mouth that knew which way was up

I'm a complicated mess of missing.

...........luv~<><~

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